Thursday, January 1, 2009

The first day of the new year

I am little relieved that the Christmas season is finally over (anyone carrying grief understands), but I know this also means I'm getting very close to my due date. Five weeks left... It scares me that it's already 2009, even if it is just the first day. Can't I just go back to September 11 and stay there?? That one day that I was finally at peace with everything going on in my life and looking forward to the day my child would be born? I want to go back there so badly... I didn't know how good my life was back then, before the word "anencephaly" entered my vocabulary. I would complain over the smallest things. Now when I see a woman with a healthy child complaining over something small, I feel like slapping her for being so ungrateful. Whenever I see a pregnant woman complaining instead of being happy like she should, I feel like saying, "I feel so sorry for you. My baby is terminally ill, you wanna trade places?" Sigh... but then again, if they were happy I'd probably resent them for that too.

The only people I seem to really relate to nowadays are other moms of anen babies. I can't even relate to moms who have lost children in miscarriage. I know the loss is the same, but the journey is so different. It's not a sudden, unexpected loss. With anencephaly, you're given five months notice. Five months to think about it and pray that God will do something --anything. Can you imagine? It's the worst feeling in the world counting down the weeks before you have to say goodbye to your baby. I can't even describe how that feels. When I was a little girl, I had this reoccuring dream that I was going to die and my mother was preparing me for my journey to Heaven. I didn't want to leave her but she seemed so accepting of it. I was crying but she wasn't. That horrible feeling I felt in those dreams is so much like the way I feel when I'm faced with Faith's passing. I try not to think about it.

I'm sorry this has been so depressing... I really hope I can cheer up soon and not spend the next five weeks wallowing in misery. I know Faith's birth will be a peaceful and joyful day. It just has to be.